What Kind of First-Year Are You?

Evelyn Levine

1. It’s time to go ‘Storm The Field’ and you say:

a.) Let’s go storm that field! I’ll wear my Whitman shirt and a name tag so people remember who I am and know that I love Whitman already!
b.) Will there be food?
c.) Storming the field is an antiquated term associated with war and domination of another people, similar to how this school is named after missionaries. It is an inappropriate and antiquated custom representing submersion of minorities. Protest anyone?
d.) I’ll storm your field –– if you know what I mean…
e.) Is it Thanksgiving break yet?

2. You’ve entered one of the dining halls for the first time, and:
a.) You introduce yourself to the person who swipes you in, wave, say hi and go talk to all of your new friends around the dining hall. There’s hardly time to eat!
b.) You will have a bowl of every cereal alone, and then a bowl of all of the cereals combined –– with cookies and soft serve.
c.) You ask the student serving you some vegetarian mush if the veggies were fair trade.
d.) You survey the available booty and wink liberally saying, “I’ll see you at the ’80s dance…”
e.) Overwhelmed, you get some pasta and eat a few noodles, but mostly move them around your plate.

3. Complete this sentence: “TWO
a.) WEST!”
b.) more pieces of pizza please.”
c.) heads are better than one.”
d.) at once, menage-a-trois…”
e.) months until I get to go home.”

4. Convocation was …
a.) Awesome! You loved seeing your whole class in one room, hearing about your class and hearing from George Bridges and others; the journey has begun!
b.) Okay, but you were disappointed there wasn’t any free food.
c.) Good, you think there should be more student body gatherings with faculty.
d.) Pretty good, but George Bridges –– you don’t really want to tap that.
e.) Alright, even though you are pretty sure now that your admittance was a mistake.

5. The name ‘Whitman’ makes you feel:
a.) Elated.
b.) A grumbling in your tummy.
c.) Ashamed of the way this country has treated native people.
d.) Horny.
e.) Scared.

If you answered:
Mostly A’s: Over-Enthusiastic First-Year
A future ASWC and A-Team member, you get a Green Dot shirt in the first week and wear it out of B. Max’s office.

Mostly B’s: Stoned First-Year
It was between Washington and Colorado. You are stoned –– or very hungry.

Mostly C’s: Politically Correct First-Year
Quick to point out injustice in anything, you will likely major in politics, rhetoric studies or gender studies.

Mostly D’s: Promiscuous First-Year
Finally freed from the grips of your parentals and your high school reputation as a dork, you are not yet the master of pick-up lines. You will treasure your ’80s dance and TKE basement experiences as a representation of your newly sexually liberated self.

Mostly E’s: Nervous First-Year
You just want to go home and watch Netflix in your bed with your cat Monroe. Adjusting to college is hard.