Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Freshman Girl Goes On Best Date Of All Time

Gathered around a Prentiss Dining Hall brunch table, Jewett Hall resident Gabriela Stevens revealed to her friends that she had gone on “THE BEST DATE EVER” the previous evening. Later, in an exclusive Skype session with the Backpage’s romance expert, she revealed the intimate details of this apparent Romeo “without the whole pedophile thing” on campus.

“This guy is as original and cute as my nose ring,” admitted Stevens, not looking around Prentiss.

The two had met at the TKE Post-I, where a conversation about Stevens’ very original music taste had commenced.

“Well, I am a Taylor Swift fan,” giggled Stevens. “Then he asked me to get coffee because of that. I felt like someone finally recognized how unique I am because I like Taylor Swift a moderate amount.”

And how did this tale of epic proportions continue? In the romantic lush of the wheat fields? In the soothing green land of Narnia? In the blood-stained dungeonarium of  the Beta Basement?

“Nay,” neighed Stevens, quite like a horse. “We just met on Ankeny [Field] and walked to some AWESOME coffee shop. I’d never been there before. But the place just reminded me of romance.”

The fact that the place reminded her of romance may have been because she actually had been there on a romantic evening involving carriage rides, roses and Yellowtail. Regrettably she had been accidentally hit on the back of the head at the end of the night by a drunk Whitman College baseball pitcher playing catch with himself, excited about his recent victories, removing all such memory.

And what did they drink?

“Well, my epic portion was a coffee. He just had water, which was awesome. I love Dasani,” chirped Stevens. “Then he just listened to me for like 20 minutes. I have so many things to talk about because my life experience has been so different from many of those here at Whitman,” admitted the outdoorsy, Seattle-born, upper-middle-class white girl.

“He also just had the most concerned look on his face for most of the time. And I’m pretty sure he was clutching his crotch, like my words were turning him on. That was hot,” said Stevens.

The two walked out after her date paid for both.

“So classy to pay for his date’s drink. Next time I see him working grounds crew or at Prentiss in the dish pit I’m going to give him a hug. Plus, since I didn’t have to spend my allowance that my parents give me I can get Grey Goose this weekend.”

“Then he told me I was super hot. And I love hearing that, because, I mean let’s face it,” said Stevens, looking at herself in the mirror.

“The best date I ever went on. He paid, and he didn’t demand anything because of it. And that was a big turn-on. But not, you know, big enough,” were Stevens’ final elbow-jabbing comments to this reporter.

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