Exclusive Interview with Marshall Davis

Kyle Seasly

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Once in a lifetime, the Backpage gets an interview with someone more important than Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Krishna and Kurt Russell combined. Unfortunately, we did not get the interview with Bayvon Kehroozian we were hoping for. Instead, we got the Joe Biden of ASWC, the elusive nitty gritty Texan, Vice President Marshall Davis.

Backpage: Marshall, thanks for joining us. I know we made it very clear that you were our second choice, but I hope your feelings aren’t hurt.

Marshall Davis: And a Texas hello to you, sir! Don’t worry; I’m as tough as a saber-toothed tiger when it comes to my feelings. That is, if you believe in saber-toothed cats. I don’t in real life––the earth was created 6,000 years ago according to my calendar––but that one in “Ice Age” was pretty funny.

Backpage: Marshall, what do you think of ASWC this year? How do you and Bayvon get along?

MD: Well, let me just say this: Bayvon? What in the heck kind of name is that? Where I come from, if you were walking around with the first name “Bayvon,” someone would challenge you to a pistol fight before you could even put your britches on. And Kay-roo-zian? Is that some kind of kangaroo name?

Backpage: I think he just comes from a different ethnic background.

MD: Look, buddy, it’s un-American. I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Backpage: Let’s change the subject: What do you think of the current state of affairs at Whitman?

MD: I think Whitman has lost its family values and moral principles. I’m a compassionate conservative who was blessed by the Lord and made it big because I worked hard and Daddy had a good oil business, which I plan on running after college. These folks here at Whitman, they reek of premarital and reefer, not to mention the devil’s brew.

Backpage: How exactly did you get elected?

MD: Nothing wrong with stuffin’ the ballot box. You know Dick Cheney shot someone in the face and got away with it? The guy even apologized, Cheney didn’t have to. Wonder if I could get away with something like that … (cocks pistol)

Here the recording ends and we have yet to see that reporter. We hear Davis may have taken him to his ranch.