Renaissance Society and Outhouse Join Forces to Make Wiping with Left Hand Cool Again

Kyle Seasly


Medieval reenactment nerds and environmental activists have few things in common, those being wearing outdated clothes, walking around like they own the place and believing in fairy tree spirits. Recently, however, the Environmental House (a.k.a. the “Outhouse”) and Whitman’s Renaissance society have teamed up to bring back “wiping with the left hand.”

“It’s not outdated,” said one Outhouse member, “you just need to wash afterwards, but remember, save enough for the fishes!” Obviously the Outhouse’s goals are to save paper, therefore saving trees, and hoping that somehow their hippie dippy propaganda will catch on if they put up enough tie-dye posters.  The Renaissance society agenda is not as environmental.

“People wipe with their left hand because that’s the evil hand. Left-handed people are freaks, and probably satanic worshippers,” said Renaissance society member Romeo Isolde after drinking a bit too much ale. “We used to wipe with the left hand, now we don’t. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s tradition.” He then started singing the soundtrack to “Fiddler on the Roof.”

It’s true, tradition does have one wiping with his left, and therefore shaking with his right, because the left hand was considered unclean. In certain countries the tradition carries on today.

Indeed, the Outhouse and the Renaissance society were looking to team up together on some event, and finally one evening, after searching for wood elves, they came to the conclusion that they needed to bring the fad back to Whitman.

Suprisingly, in some circles, the fad has caught on. “Toilet paper does just kinda smear, and that’s, like, super, gross. So I wipe with the left now. I’m a new woman,” reluctantly admitted one sophomore Kappa Kappa Gamma.

“I wipe with the left now” has become a promotional phrase around campus, with trees and attractive women holding up their left limbs and smiling at you.

Obviously the Left-Hand group around campus is a little more than offended at this new “Whitman fad.”

“They said Pokemon was a fad too, but it’s still around. The Frisbee team still makes references!”

“Left-handed people are people too!” the left-handed club ended their press release. “Just because we rock at sports doesn’t mean we are freaks!”