Whitman’s campus has been called many things: beautiful, small, diverse, not diverse and infested with adorable squirrels. As of last week, however, you can go ahead and add “sexist” to that list. Amongst a whirlwind of accusations, Whitman’s extreme feminist group, “Rhymes with Lyman,” aired concerns that our beloved campus is sexually repressive.
The group began airing grievances after a Jewett sexuality workshop opened their eyes to the gender spectrum. Their complaints ranged from the landscaping to the architecture of some of Whitman’s most noteworthy buildings. Their accusations were voiced during a lunchtime protest of Prentiss’ third corn dog lunch in a week.
“Memorial Hall was erected to recognize men and exists as a shrine of masculinity in the center of campus. Its location across from Prentiss is distasteful and offensive,” said sophomore Christina Perkins, obviously referring to its phallic nature.
Senior Brianna Choe was more blunt about her qualms with the campus’ more priapic architecture. “The power plant? Phallic symbol. You can see that pillar of testosterone from across Isaacs.”
First-year Jenna Ohgushi fought back tears when she described having to walk to Harper Joy Theatre from Prentiss every day. “Have you seen that fountain in front of Sherwood? It’s overflowing with virility. Definitely phallic.”
Sophomore Johanna Masla added, “Why is there a Lyman, but no Lywoman? Riddle me that. Also, Styx? More like Phallyx.”
“I don’t know what the plural of phallus is––phalli, phalluces, fallacies? Either way, our campus is full of them. I don’t even know where Alpha Phi section is, but I bet that is phallic, too,” said first-year Nat Sany.
The feminists really dropped the shaft on the administration, putting them in a defensive stance. President Bridges has been diligently trying to quiet the uproar before it garners the attention of any reputable news sources, choosing only to divulge the processes by which he aims to silence the feminists.
“I hate sexism. Just hate it. As soon as we realized the gravity of the situation, we took immediate action by removing several of the more phallic trees from the campus,” said President Bridges through a trembling, chiseled jaw.
“Gender is a spectrum, and our campus is definitely leaning towards the phallic end of that spectrum,” said Barbara Maxwell, associate dean of students and student programs and activities. “When we think of gender-equal campuses, we look at what Stanford did with their ‘Sunken Diamond’ and hope to emulate that sort of stoic feminism.”
The balls are in Administration’s court, and drastic changes may be the only answer to appease the feminists.
Perhaps one day Whitman will be the tunnel-filled utopia we dream about, but for the time being Prentiss Hall is a lone X chromosome on a campus where just about everything is phallic if you squint your eyes and cock your head to the side.
