1.     What is your favorite racially diverse food item?

a.     Swedish fish
b.     Belgian waffle
c.      French toast
d.     Danish

2.     If you could wear anything on your head without worries of being judged, what would it be?

a.     Porkpie
b.     Turban
c.      Lime-green bowler hat
d.     Bald cap

3.     How do you behave when the person in whom you are “interested” is “in the vicinity?”

a.     Cool. Swag. Effortlessly alluring.
b.     INSTANT PANIC AVOID AT ALL COSTS
c.      Say something stupid. Dwell for a minimum of 72 hours.
d.     Flirt with everything around you except for them. Bat your eyes at a plastic fern in the corner.

4.     What was the stupidest thing about the Trojan War?

a.     You thought it was a gift? Really?
b.     Fighting over a single woman for 10 years
c.      Wait . . . the Trojans were Greek, right?
d.     Brad Pitt

5. If you were to write a book, what would it be?

a.     A nonfiction tome about marijuana use in the northernmost parts of the United States called “Baked Alaska”
b.     “cRushed: A Dissertation Regarding Whether Rush Limbaugh Would Be Squashed If He Sat on Himself”
c.      A carefree urban cookbook with a cute hunting theme called “Harpoon A Frittata (It Means No Worries!)”
d.     MAKE ONE MORE BAD PUN. I DARE YOU.

Mostly A’s

You want to be told that you have a magnetic personality. You just really like the idea of having a sort of pull on everyone you meet. I suggest you gain some weight to give your gravitational field a bit more oomph.

Mostly B’s

You would love to hear that you have the best job in the world that makes other people jealous. But that would be a lie. Because Willy Wonka has that job. And he recently willed it to a young and financially challenged British boy.

Mostly C’s

You want to hear that you are devastatingly attractive. So I’m just going to appease you right now by telling you to look up quickly. Ah, you missed it. That person across the room was just totally checking you out.

Mostly D’s

You took this quiz because you were bored/procrastinating. Little did you realize that it would hold a mirror up to your soul, revealing to you that all you really want is to be loved . . . and also, you’re a little bit hungry.