Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman Offers New Scholarships

Some might be happy (or disgusted) to hear that Whitman has implemented a myriad of scholarships so that each student will have a decent shot at an “award.” Here some of the more reasonable of the available scholarships:

1) The Golf Caddie Scholarship: Ever felt that you excelled in lugging a bag full of metal around a grass course while giving moral support to someone who only addresses you  as “Slave person”? Then Whitman has the perfect scholarship for you.

2) Are you one of the students who has always seemed to have that natural talent for mimicking the mating call of the decrepit-looking Shoebill bird? (Look it up. It’s worth your time.) Then you might just be lucky enough to win Whitman’s prestigious Shoebill Bird Mimic Award!

3) Tired of people assuming you’re a Mormon based on your fair complexion, lack of facial hair and socially unaccepted style of clothing? Take a crack at Whitman’s increasingly popular I Look Like A Mormon But Am Not Scholarship.

4) Occasionally there’s a student out there with the ability to make a green apple appear out of thin air. If you are one of these lucky students, take a chance at winning the  esteemed Apple Conjurer Scholarship.

5) Do you posses the elusive but much sought-after ability to correctly predict people’s futures based on the subtle movement of their hips? Then try collecting the highly competitive but rarely awarded Hip Reader Scholarship.

6) This obscure but charming award is for those lucky few who have obtained the ability to  accurately define a tree’s height to within an inch upon first glance. Good luck achieving the Tree Whisperer Scholarship.


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