Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman student finds job

News broke yesterday that senior archaeology major Silvia Path has a job lined up for after she graduates. Path’s prospective employment is a shocking reversal of Whitman’s drive to render every student unfit for such lower pursuits as “work” or “labor.”

Path confessed that she was looking forward to getting her hands dirty.

“I know it’s unusual,” she said, daintily perched on a paisley settee. “But I’m kind of excited to find out what sweating feels like.”

Plath admitted confusion as to what she would be doing on her archaeological dig.

“I mean, I’ve read about the influence of tools on human development for years,” she said. “But I’m not actually sure what ‘digging’ will involve, except that ‘shovels’ seem to be an important aspect. Maybe I should do another search on JSTOR.”

Whitman Registrar Don Rural expressed bewilderment as to how Path’s employment occurred.

“I can’t figure it out,” he said. “At Whitman, students are not only conditioned to disdain the unliberal arts, but we also deliberately purge the curricula of anything that employers might consider useful or a “skill.”

Rural denied that the college feared other students would follow Path.

“We’re confident that most Whitman students are right on course for the future that their time at Whitman will prepare them for. You know, coffee shops, goatee stroking, academic discourse,” he said, but noted that the college was considering further preventative measures.

“Whitman is thinking of passing a resolution that advocates a return to parchment and quills,” Rural said.

Whitman would be the first college in the nation to make a statement in support of obsolete technology.

“I think it would really set Whitman apart. Students who want that genuine, nineteenth century collegiate experience, they’ll know that they can find it here.”

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