Whitman College Residence Life has announced plans to re-appropriate five residence halls in order to meet the changing needs of students. The affected halls are Jew-It Hall, the Out House, CoHo and GloHo, and And Her Son Hall.

Jew-It Hall

Jew-It Hall will become a Jewish student housing option. The idea was originally proposed by Miriam Schwartz, parent of first-year Moishe Schwartz. Miriam Schwartz wanted to facilitate romantic relationships between Jews.

“I hope that by living in the company of over 100 Jews, my Moishe will have sex with lots of nice Jewish girls and help to procreate the Jewish population,” she said. “Now if only I could get him to agree to live there. What’s not to like?”

Professor of Sociology Bradley Horowitz said that a Jewish residence hall, while a bit segregationist, would help to counter fears of intermarriage.

“Our research shows that people are more likely to enter into romantic relationships with people they live in close proximity to,” he said. “So, from the standpoint of reducing rates of intermarriage, this may have an effect.  Plus, their moms and bubbies are going to kvell when they bring home Jewish girlfriends and boyfriends.”

The Whitman Alcohol Policy will also change to allow students to drink Manischewitz, a brand of sweet Jewish wine, throughout the building.

“Nobody could actually get through enough Manischewitz to get drunk,” said future Jew-West R.A. Alyssa Levy with a chuckle.

Out House

Due to a reduction in the number of Whitties who care about the environment, Residence Life plans to transform the Outhouse to the Out House, a home for LGBTQI students and allies.

“A lot about the house will change, but we think people will still like to camp,” said Out House R.A. Martin Prince.

Students are already eager to move in.

“I’m looking forward to living there and rooming with my boyfriend,” said first-year Moishe Schwartz.  “It’s funny, because Whitman would require me to get permission from my parents to live with my partner if I were straight, but since I’m gay, they assume we’re just friends or something, so I don’t have to. And thank goodness.”

CoHo and GloHo

As a condition to a $1 million donation from campus icon Rush Limbaugh, students––erm, hoes––who use birth control will be forced to live in CoHo and GloHo.

“We need to put sluts in their place, which is, to say, a separate place,” said Limbaugh in a press release.

“We need the money. It’s hard to turn down that kind of financial incentive,” said an old white male administrator.

CoHo and GloHo will offer free condoms to residents, a feature that is being removed from all other residence halls and the Welty Student Health Center. There will also be information available on other birth control methods, such as the pill and diaphragms.

Junior Adrian Gonzalez said he didn’t think birth control was a big deal.

“There are people at Whitman who just don’t have sex. Then again, that’s not really by choice.”

And Her Son Hall

For those who do not use birth control but continue to have sex, and those whose birth control fails, Whitman will transform first-year Anderson Hall into And Her Son (or Daughter) Hall, a place where students can continue their Whitman education while raising a child.

“Now this is unpretentious!” said President George Bridges at a remodeling ceremony sponsored by Huggies. “Whitman has an obligation to support our students who are parents to make sure that they can continue their education. We are proud to be a leader.”