At RCC Elevator, Male, Blonde
When we reached the third floor you turned to me and said, “I just took it to another level.”

At Lakum Dukum, Female, Other
You were giving a tour and acted like you knew who I was. You’ve made my life a living hell.

At Jewett, Male, Brunette
When you spank the monkey in the pull-out bed two feet from my face, I wanna make modern art in the porcelain bus.

At all around campus, males
Wearin’ flannel, loose cargos, no shoes, granola dingleberries on your beard, MMMMM.

At Olin, Female, Red
You cut me off during class to say, “Building off that point … ”

At PartyHouse, Female, Brunette
When “S&M” came on, you handcuffed yourself to the bathroom door so no one could pee.

At Maxey Auditorium, Male, Other
You’re the asshole who won’t stop asking the questions that were previously addressed, of no relevance whatsoever, made solely to launch your own agenda, filled the silence that everyone agreed was the conclusion of the presentation, allowed you to get recognition before the signing so he or she might “know” you, and overall provoked the speaker to the point that he will never return to Walla Walla.

At Pio Office, Female, Brunette
You took all of my quotes out of context. I looked like a douche bag in print. Thanks, liberal media.

At Your Place, Female, Other
Watching Fellini’s “8 1/2” in the common lounge of your dorm. Dating first-years is hard.

At SciBuild, Male, Blonde
Shed a tear during “Three Cups of Tea: One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace … One School at A Time,” then muttered “deeply moving.”

At Café ’41, Unknown, Unknown
You purchased the last pack of Cherry-Flavored Yogurt-Covered Pretzels on the deadline of my thesis. If I knew who you are, I’d throw my extra-hot, dirty, skinny chai all over your ass.

At Tamarac, Male
Your addiction to Bowling for Soup (B4S) sends shivers down my spine.

On LikeALittle
You posted this: “At CA: Male, Brunette : restrained.distance. inhibitions.thoughts.impulses. this next week will drive me crazy.”   Keep your Moleskine-bound thoughts where they belong.