by George Bridges
President

Hey there, “Whitties!” Halloween is coming in less than a week, and I’ll let you in a little secret: it’s my absolute FAVORITE holiday of the entire year. No kidding! What other holiday lets you buy five pounds of awesome Snickers bars from Safeway without the cashier giving you a sideways glance?

No, but seriously, as this year’s All Hallow’s Eve draws near, there are some important things for all of us to take under consideration. I hear tell that a good number of you like to spite your age and still go out Trick-or-Treating, and it’s important for Whitman’s public image that we all agree to follow some basic standards of behavior. When the Princeton Review’s special Halloween issue comes out, I want to see us at number one for both Tricking and Treating!

Rule No. 1: No compromise. I know there’s a good number of vegans and vegetarians out there who are going to try to trick you by giving you a carrot bar posing as a supposed “treat.” That is unacceptable, and it is your duty to give them the trickiest “trick” you can muster. But nothing causing bodily harm or long-term property damage, please –– you can’t spell Halloween without “whee!” so keep things fun for everyone.

And Rule No. 2: You EARN your candy. There’s no excuse to try and justify swindling candy out of others when you’re dressed in your street clothes. It smacks of laziness and I find it very distasteful. I know you all like to dress up –– there’s enough costume parties advertised on your listservs (and I am a member of EVERY SINGLE ONE, in case you were wondering) that you can’t very well play the apathy card. I recommend classic standbys such as ghosts and mummies, as well as maybe some more advanced get-ups such as vampires or mutants.

There you have it! Follow my advice and this Halloween is sure to be the best one yet. If you want a chance to practice, check this out: most of you are probably reading this on a Thursday afternoon, and I just happen to be hosting office hours downstairs in Reid today (I’ll be the Frankenstein monster, so I should be easy to spot). Come on over, and when I say, “So what’s on your mind?” You had better respond with “Trick-or-Treat!” or there is no way I’m giving you one of my cookies.

Answer my first question correctly, and I may test you a little bit –– be prepared to account for what your costume is, or perform a minor trick if I try to slip you a piece of broccoli instead of something chocolately-chippy. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve got, so don’t disappoint me!

Happy Halloween to all,

George Bridges (President) (Frankenstein’s monster)