Helpful Hilda; Advice Column

Helpful Hilda, Advisor-to-the-Stars

 Dear Hilda,

I am currently locked in my own bathroom, voluntarily, in my Cleveland, Ohio-located studio apartment. The reason is because I have a pile of dirty dishes in my kitchen, and they are starting to smell bad. I am so stressed and angry and confused!!! What can I do, Hilda, to get these dishes to stop smelling? I can feel them mocking me with their stenchy stares when I’m watching The Bachelor late in the night. They could be becoming sentient, but mostly, they just smell rancid and are yucky to look at.

With all sincerity,



Dear Washwend,

So sorry to hear about your sitch! Nothing stinks worse than dirty dishes. Girl, your only hope is to set up camp and stay in your bathroom! Tub? More like bed! Toilet? More like CHAIR! You’re better off like that anyway, because I literally HATE Cleveland. My ex was from there, and he was a dick. He was allergic to peanuts, and peanut butter is my favorite food. I was like “??????????????????” tbh how inconsiderate????
Quick life advice ladies: stay away from men with allergies (except the ones who are allergic to latex– that’s real). Plus, he once told me that I looked really pretty ‘tonight‘ and I was like LITERALLY HOW DARE YOU do i not look good every day? When a man you love gives you compliments it is vital that you turn them around so that he knows he actually probably meant something mean.
I hope that helps! Also, if you see my dog, tell him I am looking for him.
Helpful Hilda