“What are you wearing?”
This was the disgusted remark which came from my eternally fashion-savvy roommate this morning as I emerged with my cup of coffee wearing thick, sensible, black goulashes over my blue jeans.

“They’re goulashes.” I knew how I looked: I looked like a clown.

“I’m aware. But why are they goulashes?”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but there are eight inches of snow outside.” I was visibly perturbed by his chagrin: although I secretly figured I’d be the one laughing an hour later as we walked to class together, me comfortably dry in my knee-high atrocities while his trendy Vans bore the brunt of the brutal weather.
It is a tricky question, though: In dire weather situations (like this week’s uncharacteristic-for-the-Northwest blitzkrieg of a snowfall), should fashion suffer, or should you?

To answer this question, I decided to test various shoes-and-jeans combinations in the field (i.e. in makeshift catwalks across Pioneer Park, where the snow is particularly perilous), in hopes of finding the best alternative to my faux pas this morning.

I must start with a quick digression: In my opinion, the jeans-in-boots look is never cute. I mean, I get it: It’s warm, it’s efficient… if you do it right it can look pretty seamless. Skinny girls can sometimes (sometimes being the operative word here) pull it off if they’re wearing really sexy skin-tight suede things over very tight, very tapered, very dark-washed denim.

But rubber boots or Uggs (or Fuggs, if you prefer) over your favorite pair of Levis is a concept that died unceremoniously in 2002, and no one will ever resurrect it. I don’t really care if your rubber boots have adorable little ducklings on them, or if your Uggs come in the up-to-the-minute Rum Raisin shade. It has never, can never, and will never look good. Period.

The obvious alternative, of course, is to try boots in other capacities. I began my research with red, pleather ankle boots I bought at a vintage shop in Williamsburg last summer (yes, I’m shamelessly dropping “a vintage shop in Williamsburg” in order to develop fashion clout). These were a poor choice because the sexy little heel, while adorable, gave me no traction and I wiped out in front of the park’s swingset. A 6-year-old laughed at me and I had to move my “catwalk” across the park to avoid eye contact with him for the rest of my experiment. After all, I had four more pairs of shoes to test.

Another obvious problem with ankle boots in snow: Snow gets in them. Really easily. This is probably because they usually give some comfortable breathing room at their cut-off point (unlike regular boots or sneakers), practically begging for unwanted snow. This is uncomfortable, even with socks.

Next, I tried a pair of those cheap, hipster, faux-suede black flat boots you can buy at Target (you know the ones: They tie in the back and look kinda scrunchy in the ankle; you can’t go to a Jenny Lewis concert without seeing at least a dozen pairs; etc.). I attempted to wear these under my jeans, but the straight-legged cut wasn’t going to accommodate it, so I tied them on over the jeans, chalking it up to the lesser of three evils of the boots-over-jeans options.

Let me say this now: Cheap, trendy boots will work for approximately 10 minutes in eight inches of snow. Maybe 15 if you buy them a size up and consistently wear them with gigantic wool socks. After that, the snow seeps unapologetically through, with freezing and profoundly uncomfortable ramifications. I guess if you’re just walking across campus, this is maybe (maybe) a worthwhile option. But a whole day in high-fashion low-practicality boots is absolutely out of the question.

I shifted to waterproof Mary Janes with good rubber traction, which I walked toward the gazebo in. I made it exactly three freezing steps before my feet were completely soaking wet. Next.

Vintage-inspired tennis shoes are honestly probably your best fashionable bet in the snow. I have some really hot Ventilator Reeboks in bright yellow, pink and green (they kind of have that Public-Enemy-meets-the-NBA-in-1993 vibe that’s really hip right now), and paired with some cotton socks, they kept my feet pretty dry and undamaged. I imagine they’d get wet eventually, and I’d have to switch, so I guess I’d recommend having two pairs constantly on hand during this kind of weather. Maybe keep one pair in your hip-hop-inspired bag or something. I don’t know.

Finally, I tested a pair of six-inch high heels. The color was very good (eggplant), but past that, wearing these in the snow was probably one of the worst and most dangerous ideas I’ve ever had. The narrow heel got caught on a buried root and promptly came off. While I was hopping around in the other shoe, trying not to step directly in the snow with my bare foot, my ankle inevitably twisted and I ended up comically face-down by the offending sycamore. I’ll bet the 6-year-old by the swingsets caught the whole humiliating fiasco, too, adding insult to apparent injury.

The thing is this: Fashion just isn’t worth it. In the end, I’m going to stick to the goulashes, regardless of their silliness, because they make sense. Also making sense in this weather: Those ugly, ubiquitous brown hiking boots that you wear on OP-like excursions in the mountains. Those look really nice about now.

Those who are willing to sacrifice not only comfort but basic wellness for the sake of flattering footwear in the snow are just not hot. They appear a little idiotic. Not getting pneumonia should be incentive enough for letting what’s in vogue grow vague during the more frigid months in Walla Walla.