A senior at Whitman College and a former Webelo, Dru D. Johnston was unfortunately killed by facebook due to Mark Zuckerburg’s new added “Kill!” feature. In his last moments Dru wanted to express that he is not angry at Zuckerburg, and that this new feature is probably for the best and he knows that the public will eventually get used to it, much like the newsfeed. No one is quite sure how Facebook managed to kill an actual person, but rumor has it that his computer brutally beat him to death. The binary bruises support this claim.

During his time at Whitman, Dru was normally very confused. Friends will remember his ineptness and his inablilty to use things like toasters always let his “friends” laugh at his expense. We only use the quotation marks because he had few friends.

You can find his picture in the dictionary right next to the word: “Dru.”

Dru will be remembered by his extended family, his cat Snowtiger, and his collection of little porcelain bears. He has a lot of them, one for every season, one for every month and one for almost every emotion you can think of. His favorite was “Furious Bear” but it was only slightly more loved than his second favorite: “Bi-Curious Bear.”

He will also be remembered by God, because that is who is going to be with for the rest of his spiritual life. He will be in heaven. There he will enjoy his time shooting hoops with Magic Johnson and playing football with Gandhi. Heaven is the best place ever, and no one should feel sorry because he is in Heaven, the Florida of the afterlife.

A wake will occur for him on Friday in Kimball. There will be beer.