Small Talk is so hated you’d think it would have a blonde comb over and a spray-on tan. People talk about it with such loathing, but perhaps their frustrations are misplaced. All too often group discussions in class dissolve into people just awkwardly looking around the room when they’ve exhausted their thirty seconds of conversational material. What we’re left with is a painful moment of silence where you have to pretend twiddling your thumbs is suddenly a super interesting project. Its association with this uncomfortable situation, and its reputation for being superficial, gives small talk an unenviable reputation. But, in reality, small talk isn’t as nearly as insufferable as people make it out to be; you get out what you put in.
People call it annoying or inconvenient, but that speaks more to your lack of social skills if anything. You’re going to tell me that small talk sucks when all you can muster up is a doofus question like: “damn crazy weather we’re having, huh?” Not even improv prodigies could pull a rabbit out of that hat. Speaking of improv, small talk has a lot of similarities with the routine. When it comes to setting up your opposite on stage, it’s best to ask leading or loaded questions. Instead of asking “got any plans this weekend?” you could ask someone “what are you most looking forward to this weekend?” It’s not any groundbreaking stuff, but the point isn’t for the question to be super interesting but for the answer to do the job of carrying the conversation. Questions that are too broad or open-ended can leave people feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how to respond, so offering them a safety line by only having to come up with one thing in response gives the person opposite to you the greatest chance of building off the question.
The same is true of small talk: low stake questions that are more inviting give the person you are stuck in the elevator with the greatest chance to say something interesting. What you’re looking for is not a response that simply burns time until you can retreat from the interaction, but instead, a shared connection point that you can both bond over. Treating small talk in this manner not only makes the other person feel more valued, but studies show that it also reinforces our own sense of belonging. In a world that is becoming increasingly alienating for people due to the ubiquitous use of phones, little moments of recognition are all the more precious.
While this all sounds well and good, the hardest part of small talk isn’t when you’re in the thick of it, but rather when you’re trying to get it started. People are always most afraid of making that initial move of starting up a conversation, and by the time they’ve decided one way or the other, the window has closed. Studies have shown that almost everyone is willing to socialize, but they believe that the strangers around them don’t want to. Such a phenomenon has been defined as “pluralistic ignorance,” the idea that there is often a stark difference between a group’s perceived extremity and the reality that the group, by and large, holds a much more moderate attitude. The truth though, is that “the risk of saying Hi is approximately zero.” You are almost never going to be overtly rebuffed trying to show an interest in someone else, and, when it does happen, it’s likely more to do with them then you. We are rattled with the insecurities that tell us we aren’t interesting enough for people to want to talk to (again no doubt not helped by the phones) but as with most insecurities, it’s a total fabrication.
It’s been said before but bears repeating: challenging ourselves to move outside of our comfort zones is usually a recipe for growing more as a person. Who’s to say that the person with the resting scowl isn’t a lighthearted bundle of joy? You’ll never know cause you’ll never ask him.
