Sex dates, sandwiches aid communication

Crystal & Chevy

At the beginning of the year we began our column by attempting to follow in the footsteps of rappers Salt n’ Pepa –– we wanted to “Talk about sex, baby.” As the temperature has risen, we’ve covered everything from sex with food to how you might go about being in a relationship over the summer. However, we sometimes forget that regardless of what advice we offer or how good (or bad) it is, discussing sex, love and relationships can be really, really hard. Often, whenever we bring up the subjects with our partners, we get awkward, fidgety, stutter, forget what we wanted to say and ultimately leave without making progress.

And that’s natural! Even though we’re well past middle school, sex is still awkward and weird and makes us giggle. While we might have gotten over the horror of sex-ed from puberty, finding the right words and the right time to talk about sex with your partner is still difficult. So we’re here to offer some tips on how to make your sex talk a much better experience than seventh grade health class. Remember, these are just some pointers. You don’t have to try them all and you certainly don’t have to like them all, but hopefully they can provide a good jumping-off point for you to have better sex.

  1. Set a Sex Date. Set a date that is dedicated exclusively to talking about your and your partner’s sex life. As students, we’re very busy and it’s often difficult to find time to have a constructive conversation about how to improve or develop your sex life. It can also be hard if you and your partner are just lying in bed and they suddenly spring such an extensive and important subject on you. Setting a sex date allows you both have some time to think about what you want and what to say. Coming prepared will eliminate stretches of “I’m thinking” time. Bonus! You get to go out on a date and hopefully have great, or at least different, sex afterwards.
  1. Stack It Like a Sandwich. It’s the classic strategy of sandwiching constructive criticism between a compliment or two. We like to structure the debriefing as A) something we’re doing well, B) sometime we could get better at, and C) something you and your partner try together for next time.
  1. Although it may seem counterintuitive, planning to try something new can sometimes be less awkward than attempting to do it in the heat of the moment. It’s always a little cumbersome to stop in the middle of some steamy foreplay to look up new sex positions on “Cosmo.” Instead, do your sex homework together beforehand and then go to bed later prepared. Plus, you’ll be squirming with horny anticipation up until the moment arrives and there’s nothing more fun than delayed gratification… except for the gratification itself.

It’s important to remember that good sex isn’t going to magically happen. We’re sorry to break it to you, but movies are not an accurate reflection of real life, particularly real sex. If you are unsatisfied with your sex life, you can take steps to make it better. The first step is learning how to communicate with your partner about what pleases you. The more explicit you are able to be, the more accurately your partner will be able to follow your suggestions, and the more pleasure you’ll get.

Warning: having one, five or even 10 conversations about sex with your partner is not going to make everything perfect. Communicating about sex needs to become a habit and key aspect of your sex life in order for you and your partner to grow together in bed. We know it’s hard to do, but there’s no better payoff than a Beyoncé-riffic, “Rocket”-level orgasm.