Have you ever wondered, “Gee, if I were to transform into a giant monster in accordance with my major, what monster would I be?” Then look no further: I have here compiled for you a list of majors, each corresponding to a Godzilla (or one of his many friends or enemies). Next time you want to don a rubber suit and have a smash-em-up in Tokyo, you’ll know where you stand. And remember: this is all for fun, so don’t take it personally (unless it’s funnier that way).
Anthropology – Megalon
This monster has great drills for burrowing on its arms, much like how you like to drill down into deep questions about society and the human condition… look, some of these are more of a stretch than others.
Art – Gigan
Like this cybernetic alien monster, you’re adaptable, always trying new things to push yourself and your craft. Unlike Gigan, you don’t have knife arms (probably).
Astronomy – Space Godzilla
Get it? Because he’s from space? Don’t make me spell this one out, guys.
Biology – MUTOs
These walking staple removers from the 2014 “Godzilla” movie have one goal: to fuuuuuuuck. What’s more biological than that?
Chemistry – Hedorah
This walking mass of polluted sludge is not nearly as nice as the chemists I know, but it does resemble the various oozes and byproducts created in their labs. Or so I assume.
Classics – Godzilla (Minus One)
You were just hanging around, minding your own business, when someone decided to drop an atom bomb (Financial Sustainability Review) on you. Now you’re pissed, and you’re about to make it everyone’s problem.
Computer Science – Mechagodzilla
Your deft skill would be perfect for inventing a giant robot to fight giant monsters. Unfortunately, chances are good it would also be evil, so be ready to pull the plug if it ever starts giving “destroy all monsters” vibes.
Economics – King Ghidorah
Three headed, two tailed, lightning-shooting dragon? Yep, that’s you. Often an enemy to Godzilla and his pals, you’re really a sweetheart deep down. Perhaps if you and Godzilla simply get to know each other- oh, no, there you go fighting again. Well, it was worth a shot.
Environmental Studies – Biollante
This gargantuan plant monster, born from Godzilla’s cells, is the environment made incarnate in a whirlwind of vines and teeth. The perfect representation of Environmental Studies, who will also erupt in angry plant maws if provoked.
Ethics and Society – Dr. Serizawa
Surprise, you’re not a Kaiju at all, but scientist Dr. Serizawa, creator of the infamous Oxygen Destroyer! Who better to represent your field than the man who agonized over using his superweapon to destroy Godzilla? Plus, he looks pretty badass with that eyepatch.
English – Godzilla
An English degree is versatile, it’s true, but is also the most liberal-arts degree you could possibly get at a liberal-arts college. One could almost say it makes you the King of the Monsters majors … but don’t let the others hear you say that.
FMS – King Kong
As a star of many monster movies, Kong understands the deep symbolism behind each of these films. They run the gamut of complex themes, everything from the horror of war and the devastation of nature to “Godzilla tail-sliding is cool.” You’re chill, you’re fun and you have a lot more in common with English majors than you may care to admit.
Geology – Rodan
C’mon, he’s basically a giant Pteranodon. And geology isn’t so different from paleontology, right? I’m sorry Geo majors, this is on me. I know half of you half as well as I would like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve (kidding! But seriously, what do you do on all those field trips?).
History – Anguirus
Just like this spiny Kaiju you’re tough, persistent and you’ve been around the block. You occasionally come to blows with your fellow monsters, but are a powerful ally. And, one day, you’ll get the recognition you deserve. Just as soon as everyone quits fawning over Rodan.
Philosophy – Minilla
This diminutive baby-Godzilla-looking fellow is … well I don’t really know what he is, or what he does. And the same applies to you folks. But he seems to be having fun, and so do you, so I say whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it!
Politics – Shin Godzilla
This horrifying, tragic Godzilla is a horror born of bureaucracy, government incompetence and the arrogance of man against nature, a lumbering engine of destruction wrought by our own hubris. Many Godzillas are political, but especially this one. Did I mention about half of the movie is spent in boardrooms and committees?
Physics – Jet Jaguar
When this friendly alien robot teams up with Godzilla, they’re unstoppable! Unfortunately, those team-ups are all too rare due to your busy workload. Speaking of, put this article down! You still have problem sets to finish.
Sociology – Destoroyah
This dangerous Kaiju is a society in and of itself, being made of millions of combined organisms. Destoroyah is mean, angry and pure evil – which sounds like most sociologists I know when I say “Hey, isn’t that just like psychology?”
Theater and Dance – Mothra
Just like this moth-like Kaiju, your grace and beauty is unmatched. You reinvent yourself with each new role, much like how Mothra reinvents herself every time she dies and is reborn in a larval state. Oh, by the way – stop leaving your chrysalises lying around. It’s gross.
Others
Didn’t see your major listed? I’m sorry to disappoint you, but at a certain point I just ran out. And besides that, does anyone really want to be compared to Ebirah, or Kumonga or, God forbid, Zilla (‘98)? But, rest assured, I have a Kaiju for you. If your major is not listed above, then you are… Baby Godzilla. Cool, right? That’s a hundred percent real, by the way.
