I’ve been working at The Whitman Wire for a semester and a half, and for the most part, I’ve been treated well. My deadlines aren’t too strict, and I get along with the other Humor section writers. However when it comes to freedom of speech, I have been STIFLED. Every week for the past five months, I’ve pitched an article about the fowlest fauna on campus: the ducks. And every week, I’ve been dismissed out of hand. Instead, I’m told to write articles about mediocre essays and my complicated but ultimately fulfilling relationship with my father, and let me say, I have had it.
What is my editor’s problem? Everyone likes ducks! Plus, there are so many varieties to choose from. Whitman supports runner ducks, mallards, and… well, it’s just those two, but they’re still part of the Whittie community! I could give up on my idea and write about squirrels and geese instead, but I resent their presence on Ankeny. The squirrels of the campus are boring, and the geese… the geese are dickheads.
I have packed this essay with almost 200 interesting tidbits about ducks, and the fact that just the paragraph above has made it to the final draft is proof enough of the censorship I am enduring. Believe me, I’ve tried to find ways around this neo-Hayes Code, but my pleas to other journalists have been ignored. They all claim to be too busy with “real journalism,” which, as far as I’ve seen, are just frantic opinion pieces on who should win the Oscars.
I don’t give a shit about the Oscars! I am on the frontlines, wading through Lakum Duckum to get insights on these complicated, beautiful creatures. Despite my efforts, my editor has me engaged in a war of attrition; she believes that one of us (me) will give up soon. Little does she know… I’ve already won! Her signing off on my protest article has ensured my victory; in a roundabout way, this article is about ducks, for ducks, by ducks. So Carmel, since I know you have to read these, SUCK IT!
P.S. Heyyyyy <3
I love working for you please don’t fire me please please please please
