Readers, I have a terrible confession to make. The truth is, despite my wisdom and grace… I’m a freshman. I know very little of adult life; I was flung straight from the womb into Whitman. I’ve been using this time to study other freshmen and categorize them into groups that I either revere or despise. Enjoy my discoveries!
1. The ‘Who, What, Where?’
As the name suggests, this person has no fucking clue as to what’s happening at any given point. They are constantly late to class, always asking for extensions and probably aren’t sure what school they’re even enrolled in.
2. The Overachievers
This freshman is the natural predator of the ‘who, what, where’ people of the world. Bullying is prohibited on campus, but I’m pretty sure the competence exuding off these freshmen constitutes as a micro-aggression. They have a 20 year plan, and dealing with the rest of us clueless losers doesn’t factor in. They’re also probably economics majors. Don’t ask me to justify myself, because I won’t be able to.
3.The Passive Aggressive
We sometimes forget that therapy is a privilege and not a guarantee. This freshman sees clear communication and runs as far away as they can get. If you send them a text, be prepared to be left on ‘read’ for seven hours before receiving a “sorry, just got this :(“ Don’t bother asking if they’re mad at you, because they’ll just say no and then post about you on Yik Yak. Be the bigger person, and start being twice as passive-aggressive! That’ll show them!
4.The Normal One
Compared to the oddballs roaming the campus, this freshman is a breath of fresh air. They talk about benign things, like the weather or how bad Cleve Commons food is. They’re always happy to engage with campus culture, even if they don’t quite get it. This person will walk away from the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” saying things like, “that was pretty neat,” and “golly, they sure seemed to be having fun up there!”
5. Kyle
Everyone knows a Kyle. Kyles come in all shapes and sizes; it’s less about gender and fraternity status and more about vibes. Speaking of vibes: Kyle’s vibes are insane. They can go from half-asleep to slamming down shots in the span of 10 minutes. You can’t take them anywhere without something going terribly wrong, but don’t hold it against Kyle! They can’t help that the world doesn’t party as hard as they do!
Thank you for reading my conclusive findings. And please forgive any typos; I’m only a freshman.
