Dear Whitman, the midterms are upon us! Fight for your grades, but remember to go easy on yourself. Take a break once in a while, read more poems and go touch grass. And to any of my professors reading this: surely the thought-provoking content of these haikus is enough to earn an A? Or even a low B?
Haiku 4 U
It’s time for the fall
Semester. Here are haikus
For you, dear reader.
Kappa Pi KAN(u) IT.
Sorority girls,
It’s midnight on a Tuesday.
Why are you so drunk?
I Need an Extension
Professor, your class
Is great. Your email game SUCKS.
Reply once. Please. Please.
I Get Paid for This
Do you know how hard
Writing these little poems are?
Super easy lol
Riding Into the Ankeny Sunset
Styx needs a saddle.
The creepy bone horse earned it!
Giddyup! Yeehaw!
Food Poisoning (Again)
If nobody likes
Me, I at least know the Cleve
Commons food hates me.
What’s the Opposite of FOMO?
Why does this campus
Have so many events? Give
Me a minute, ‘kay!?
Communal Showers Scare Me
These freaks leave their hair
In the drain. Do they want to
Be cloned at Whitman?
Time Flies When You’re Staring at An Empty Google Doc
Five pages by noon…
I can do that! I just need
to—it’s 1 PM.
STD PhD
I went to college
And all I got was herpes.
And my Bachelor’s.
No Flight Planned, I Just Like the Vibes
Can anyone drive
Me to the airport? I’m
Craving stale peanuts.
Squirrel Wars
It’s just a nut, bro.
Stop slapping the other tree
Rats! Hibernate soon!
Five Syllable Anarchy
This last poem won’t
Even be a haiku. I’m
A rebel–Damn it.
