Dear Whitman, the midterms are upon us! Fight for your grades, but remember to go easy on yourself. Take a break once in a while, read more poems and go touch grass. And to any of my professors reading this: surely the thought-provoking content of these haikus is enough to earn an A? Or even a low B?

Haiku 4 U

It’s time for the fall

Semester. Here are haikus

For you, dear reader.

Kappa Pi KAN(u) IT. 

Sorority girls,

It’s midnight on a Tuesday. 

Why are you so drunk? 

I Need an Extension

Professor, your class

Is great. Your email game SUCKS.

Reply once. Please. Please. 

I Get Paid for This

Do you know how hard

Writing these little poems are?  

Super easy lol

Riding Into the Ankeny Sunset

Styx needs a saddle. 

The creepy bone horse earned it!

Giddyup! Yeehaw! 

Food Poisoning (Again)

If nobody likes

Me, I at least know the Cleve 

Commons food hates me. 

What’s the Opposite of FOMO?

Why does this campus

Have so many events? Give

Me a minute, ‘kay!? 

Communal Showers Scare Me

These freaks leave their hair

In the drain. Do they want to

Be cloned at Whitman? 

Time Flies When You’re Staring at An Empty Google Doc

Five pages by noon… 

I can do that! I just need

to—it’s 1 PM. 

STD PhD

I went to college

And all I got was herpes.

And my Bachelor’s. 

No Flight Planned, I Just Like the Vibes

Can anyone drive

Me to the airport? I’m 

Craving stale peanuts. 

Squirrel Wars

It’s just a nut, bro.

Stop slapping the other tree

Rats! Hibernate soon! 

Five Syllable Anarchy

This last poem won’t

Even be a haiku. I’m

A rebel–Damn it.