Have you ever been tempted to push your bed together with your roommates and create a “Mega-Bed”? If so, you may want to consider your health, says the newly created outspoken group SAMBAL (Students Against Mega Beds and Leprosy-not to be confused with the Indonesian chili paste). SAMBAL claims that the increase in Mega-Beds this semester has led to an increase in cases of leprosy on campus. However some campus officials say SAMBAL’s methods for both diagnosing and treating leprosy are medieval and “mostly unasked for.”

“Yeah they started putting leeches on my roommate and kept saying something about balancing his humors?” says one anonymous student.

“We’re doing everything we can to treat cases of leprosy around the campus but what we need now is to prevent further spread of leprosy,” a member of SAMBAL responded.

Other recorded SAMBAL practices consist of attempts at amputation, poultices of various types, and copious amounts of prayer.

Although SAMBAL has yet to show any verifiable evidence of any leprosy case on campus, RAs are still advising students against creating Mega-Beds for their health and safety. “I don’t know a lot about leprosy but it sounds pretty gnarly,” said one Anderson RA.

Some critics of the new group say that the leprosy cases are made up and most people around campus aren’t even making mega beds and….. Wait hold on, a carrier pigeon is here for me! Oh how exciting, the witch trial is happening – or maybe it’s just a performance of The Crucible– well regardless I’ll have to wrap this up quickly. Long story short “The whole thing stinks of a false flag campaign to distract from other important events.” For example the pope called for a crusade for the holy land, oh, wait I think that source was from the 11th century but you get the idea something is afoot.