Editor’s Note: This article was initially published under the title “Your Unofficial Historically Informed Guide to Rushing.” Revisions have been made since initial publication by the author.
To the faculty members reading these words, I would like to remind you that this is the humor section and the following information should not be taken seriously. But to the male-identifying freshmen looking for a forever home, here’s the truth behind your potential brothers.
Across the campus, from Jewett to Anderson Hall, whispers of fraternal war tales circulate, aiming to dissuade freshmen from rushing fraternities.
I understand if you’re afraid of liberal arts fraternities after hearing the stories. There was indeed a time when freshmen feared rushing, having witnessed the horrors of the battlefield that is now known as Isaacs.
The battles would commence no matter the weekday or the weather, even amidst a violent thunderstorm. Torrential rain would lash down, soaking front yards as well as the combatants of Beta Theta Pi, weighing down their armor of cowboy hats and wife beaters.
Jagged streaks of lightning tore through the sky, casting an eerie light upon the clutch of shelled weapons in their hands. When the deafening roar of thunder cracked upon the house of Phi Delta Theta, so did the eggs.
The air was filled with tension as they ran home moments before the Phi door was swung open. Armed with tennis rackets, the Phi guys fixed their gaze on the house before them, unaware that the Sigma Chi residents were too preoccupied watching Teen Wolf to be the real perpetrators.
The sound of tennis balls shattering windows would prompt the Sig members to hastily grab piss-filled fire extinguishers and rush down to Tau Kappa Epsilon for no other reason or suspicion than the fact that it’s TKE––and as a bonus, they left their windows open.
Now, it’s important to keep in mind that the storm has passed. Don’t let war stories like these discourage you from exploring your fraternal options. These gentlemen no longer fight after class but hold hands and skip to them.
You’ll undoubtedly hear rumors, but it’s important to remember that times have changed. The Beta carpet is no longer an extended ashtray, and Phi is now a diverse group of athletes thanks to that one guy on the ski team. When you decide to rush, you’re embracing a brotherhood, not enlisting in the military. The reputations of TKE leaks may follow you regardless of how thoroughly the house is hosed down, but so will the bonds of brotherhood.
