Three weeks ago, if you took a gander about the Whitman College campus, you’d find many students sporting little strands of shiny plastic in their hair. While an unknowing observer might find this an odd way to attract an army of magpies, this “tinsellation” was actually the latest fashion trend to hit Whitman College after Blundstones and overalls. 

Some students have taken the new trend to extreme lengths, with interesting consequences.

One anonymous student said, “Well, I didn’t want to be like every other Whitman bitch, so my friends and I started tinseling our armpit hair. Then, everyone else started doing that too; it naturally snowballed from there and my roommate ended up fist deep in my pubes attaching tinsel.”

While tinsel in the pubic region is not inherently harmful, according to the National Gynecology Association (unlike that mildly emotionally stunted man you met on Tinder), the new craze has spread with an alarming ferocity and disastrous impact: pubic lice. 

Now, instead of finding students with shiny streaky hair, you’ll find them looking ferociously uncomfortable and resisting the urge to scratch the creepy crawlies in their pants. An estimated 47 percent of the campus population has been impacted.

Peter Harvey has announced a state of emergency, saying, “Please, if you think you have been exposed to crabs, quarantine and get tested. Welty Health Center is now offering free pubic lice checks to students in light of this outbreak. Pubic lice combs are now being stocked in the Glover Alston Center courtesy of PPGA.” 

When asked about the initial start of the outbreak, Harvey stated, “Well, we just don’t really know. We suspect it first started at a first-year ‘pubic party’ where everyone received tinsel (and lice) from a student who had unknowingly contracted crabs from a member of Phi Delta Theta. Lice can spread on surfaces, toilet seats, carpets and chairs if students are wearing skirts but no underwear. It is really dangerous. Just please for the love of god, stop generating expressions of identity through your body hair.”