Whitman College wants to extend the warmest welcome to our newly arrived Class of 2027. These students have earned their admission to our fantastic college by being exceptional students and even more exceptional piggy banks. To celebrate our fabulous new recruits … no … students, Whitman’s Admissions team created this press release of student responses to entrance polls to be annotated by me, in all of its glory.

21 percent answered they are already prepared to be the wettest blanket at the function. Yipee!

67 percent answered they have, at least at one point in time, purchased a water bottle that is just ridiculously large for their little, colorful Cotopaxi backpack. Perfection!!

A whopping 87 percent confirmed they are very interested in sending whimsical emails to the campus-wide listservs. We need more of that! 

14 percent have already vowed to never ever ask for a subletter throughout all their time at Whitman. Oof, lets get that number higher folks!

24 percent say they are committed to reviving campus culture. Lucky us; just in the nick of time!

2 percent answered they enjoyed our campus bookstore. Really?

70 percent of the Class of 2027 is from Minnesota. Oh god, they’re coming for us in droves. Dear Lord,  save us from the Minnesotans. 

56 percent were preemptively disappointed that the Goodwill moved to College Place. Me too, but it’s not so sad because it’s much worse now. Also, surprise, surprise: Goodwill is one of those immoral non-profits, argh. 

32 percent are really excited for Poplar St. to be open again. Same!

48 percent answered they do not currently harbor any resentment towards leaf blowers, chain saws, sprinkler systems or the Walla Walla Parking Authority. That’ll change!

97 percent of students did not recognize the significance of the phrase “spring break day.” Oh, how old have I become?

Welcome class of 2027! Time twists its cruel knife into my side as I write about each successive year below me. Ignore the fact that I have lazily recycled an article idea and heed my wise words: use your Wepa money without a care, take pictures of everything, be cringey sometimes and always flex a needy upperclassmen. You’ll know what I mean soon.