Ben Shapiro, a silly little conservative man with a podcast, is in the news (trending on TikTok) again because one person clicked on his livestream and noticed that his lips were an abnormal size and shape — the result of botched lip injections. 

Shapiro vehemently denied claims that he had received lip filler, tweeting, “My lips have always looked this supple and voluptuous. They do not look like a rotting caterpillar stuffed inside a sausage casing. I do not have lip filler. I’ve never had lip filler. I have no intention of having lip filler.”

But he clearly has lip filler. If we know Ben for anything, it’s that he’s a stinky little liar. The Wire sat down with the plastic surgeon who performed the lip injections to talk about Shapiro, the cosmetic industry and conservative pundits. The surgeon wishes to remain anonymous, so they maintain their clientele.

Wire: So, you performed Ben Shapiro’s lip injections. What was that like? 

PS: Ben was a very good patient. Some people think it’s physically impossible for him to stop moving his lips but he’ll stop talking if you pump some pancake batter into his labium superius oris and labium inferius oris. He just sat there nice and quiet. 

Wire: So what went wrong with the injections? It seems like his lip filler has moved significantly towards his chin.

PS: Shapiro and I got into an argument about the sexualization of the green M&M right before the operation. He said Ms. Green had to keep wearing those slutty, little heels otherwise the candy just didn’t taste as good. My hands were shaking with rage, and I guess I couldn’t do the injection properly. 

Wire: Wow. So how do you balance your integrity as a surgeon when operating on someone with different political views?

PS: Well, I actually work with a lot of people like Ben Shapiro. In fact, the majority of my clientele is conservative leaning. Just last week I removed 32 skin tags from Steve Bannon’s lower back and chest area. I left the cancerous one, but that’ll be our little secret. I did help perform Joe Biden’s facelift, though. Marjorie Taylor Greene has an appointment with me next month for a labia reduction. 

Wire: So you feel no qualms about violating doctor-patient confidentiality?

PS: (laughs) Oh, I’m not a licensed doctor. I just advertise a two-party deal.