America’s second favorite peanut farmer, behind Planters Baby Nut, and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter is now in hospice care in his home in Plains, Georgia.

Carter has undergone bouts of chronic Reaganism for the past several years.

Carter’s family released a statement last Wednesday, saying, “Carter is currently trapped in a physical altercation with the evil ghost of former President Ronald Reagan.”

Reagan famously beat out Carter as he sought reelection in 1981 in an unprecedented landslide defeat. He seems to be trying to beat him yet again, this time in a duel of ghostly fists. Reagan, envious that Carter outlived him, has been haunting the 98-year-old in an attempt to ease him into the grave. 

Personally, I’m rooting for Jimmy Carter, and not just because Reagan is a dirty, dirty Republican who gave enormous tax cuts to the rich and set the stage for decades of conservative politics. I like Jimmy’s underdog spirit. I like his vibe. I like his jolly panache.

So who’s winning; a ghost or a very old man? Unfortunately, we do not yet know. It seems that Jimmy Carter is very much still alive at the present moment, despite Reagan’s best efforts. Before he entered hospice care, he was employing the former trainer of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the most jacked person to have ever served on the Supreme Court. 

According to Carter’s family, they know a haunting is occurring when Carter’s bedroom door is locked and they can hear sounds of a scuffle, as well as Ronald Reagan’s ghost shouting things like, “Harder, dammit!” 

Carter would appear drained, sweaty and happy post-haunting; he refused paranormal assistance from the Department of Defense. The Carter family has staunchly and repeatedly stated, “No, Jimmy Carter is not having gay ghost sex with Republican Ronald Reagan. They are definitely locked in a very masculine, heterosexual duel.” Only time, and perhaps the LGBTQ+ community, will be the judge of that.