Whitman College awards honorary degree to George Santos

Grace Canny, Pathological liar (or am I?)

As of Feb. 15, The Wire investigative team has discovered that Whitman College is planning to award its annual honorary degree to fabricator, fibber, downright deceiver and Congressional Representative George Santos.

Classified documents obtained by The Wire reveal that Rep. Santos was suggested via Google Form by a fraudulent Whitman email run by Santos himself. The honorary degree suggestion form was not very secure, and The Wire’s team of journalist hackers easily obtained the sensitive document. 

In the application, the suggestee claims Santos to be deeply educated. He supposedly graduated from both Harvard and Walla Walla University within two years. Additionally, Santos was touted as an accomplished salesman of the Walla Walla sweet onion, reportedly selling an excess of 150 tonnes in the recent fiscal year. Santos was also made to be a prolific investor in a number of local eateries such as Graze, Passatempo Taverna and Yamas.

Appealing to the honorary degree committee’s pathos, the suggestee also highlighted Santos’ affection for animals. Although he swindled that houseless veteran out of money to pay for his dying dog, he did replace the dead dog with a cute little duckling, which the committee just loved. 

The suggestee finally won the committee over by highlighting Santos’ extensive contribution to carbon capture technology because Whitman College sincerely respects the environment. 

Questions remain about how Whitman College’s secure email system was taken advantage of by such a technologically proficient prevaricator, but The Wire’s investigative staff allege it may have something to do with the shocking amount of students who repeatedly fall for phishing emails. 

Additional communications reveal that the honorary degree will still be awarded to Santos. Whitman College declined to comment, but in one email from an unnamed administrator their rationale was revealed: “Though I find these lies and this individual deceitful, duplicitous and crafty to an illegal degree, I think Santos sets a bold example for our liberal arts students — to bullshit so hard you land among the stars.”