Hear ye, hear ye: Fairy tales, gossip and foibles from Whitman

Rachel Husband, loose-lipped above and below

Dearest Reader, 

In this article, you shall find some of my favorite stories from the Whitman College campus; some of these stories you may have heard, some of which may be falsified and all of which I find delightful. I hope you enjoy the absurdity of this article if nothing else.


A light bulb is an object filled with possibility, a necessity in everyday life. But, a light bulb is usually so insignificant that you only notice when something has gone wrong. You notice when a dozen light bulbs start exploding randomly because they have chewing gum on the threads. Such was the predicament of one fraternal organization at Whitman College. The prankster plaguing the frat has not yet been caught. 


The security guard at the Marcus Whitman hotel has gotten word about Whitman students who explore the building. He caught four of them riding the elevator to the rooftop; he was going to call the police. One student farted so loud, startling the security guard, that they fled off into the night. 


There was a group of roughly 21 students on an outdoor environmental field studies program. They lived, ate, sang and learned together for many days. One very cold night, they huddled together for warmth inside a tent. 

They asked each other, “How many people could fit inside this tent?” 10 was the answer. Then someone asked, “Guys, what if we explore each other’s bodies?” You can fill in the rest of the story yourself.


Illustration by Hayden Garner.

Once upon a time, some people had a bright idea regarding sustainable meat consumption. They thought to themselves that the way that American society engages with the animals we eat is problematic. 

So, they went and found a pond. One got naked, leapt into the pond with a stick and caught themselves a duck. They killed it, plucked it, marinated it in balsamic, lemon and garlic — and had themselves a little feast. 


The rest of campus found out; some people got very angry. Someone called the Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife. Someone held a funeral for the duck. Someone got questioned for the consumption of a duck by the Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife. No one got fined for the consumption of a duck. They promised to never do it again, and now their story will live on in infamy.