Construction off Rose and Main Street continues for a third week, inconveniencing many Whitman students living west of campus. The Wire sent reporters to investigate the construction site after a gas leak on Monday connected to “OSHA violations” displaced people in the area. 

Construction workers claim they’re replacing 2,500 feet of faulty sewer lines, but the plans provided by the City of Walla Walla look exactly like a network of tunnels linking the Walla Walla Masonic Temple on the corner of Park and Main to many well-established Walla Walla buildings. 

The Freemasons, the most secret, misogynistic society in Britain and America, have rumored ties to the Illuminati, widespread government corruption in Canada, Benjamin Franklin, the invention of the butt plug and the murder of “The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown. The Masonic Temple in Walla Walla appears to be largely derelict and abandoned. In an act of journalistic dedication and integrity, I committed several minor felonies to gain access to the Masonic Temple via the sewer lines, with the intent to follow this story until I found the truth — or human waste. 

I found shit in the sewer line. I also found cameras, microphones and boom mics. I found Nicolas Cage, star of the first two “National Treasure” movies, bound to a post beneath the Masonic Temple. Readers well-versed in popular culture will remember that “National Treasure” received praise for its damning portrayal of the Freemasons in 2004, with Cage winning the Academy Award for Best Actor that year. 

Cage, shivering and partially clothed (a shadow of his former NT1 glory), was too weak to resist his restraints. All he could do was whisper, “Filming third installment. Treasure in Marcus Whitman statue. Blow it up” before he died in my arms. I fled the Masonic temple, crying and covered in feces from the sewer line. Cage’s passing will be memorialized later this week.

The exact details of the Freemason plot and the filming of “National Treasure 3″ have yet to be ascertained. We will achieve justice for Cage and all those lightly irked by the ongoing construction.