No Nut November front-runner exposed for performance-enhancing drugs

Lee Thomas, Existentialism in the front, absurdism in the back

This week, leading No Nut November (NNN) competitor Michael “Mike” Okhard was kicked off the leaderboard after a blood test revealed he was using performance-enhancing steroids, such as fluoxetine and naproxen. The results have caused quite the sticky situation as the world scrambles toward the appropriate next steps. 

“I’ve been on Prozac since I was 20, and I take Aleve every now and then for headaches,” Okhard, age 29, shared in a public statement shortly following the release of the blood test. “It does not, nor has it ever, act as an aid in my no-nutting efforts. Let me reiterate: even though I am on SSRI’s and all that, I can still get it up and going with ease, in case anyone was wondering.”

The NNN Board released a response on CNN that evening, stating, “Unfortunately, it is not the medication functions that matter here. Okhard was aware of the effects of his prescriptions and began participating in this November’s competition without informing the Board of the upper hand these pills would give him.”

The Wire interviewed one local who shared, “If Mike Okhard is criminalized for caring for his physical and mental health while refraining from jerking off, that criminalizes a lot of us who also participate in NNN. It’s exclusionary and undermines our successes, not that I’ve been successful during the few times I’ve actually tried to participate.”

Another local stated, “I’m losing my mind over here. It’s halfway through November, and I’m already going blind. Any help that this guy gets to keep his grubby hands off his pee-pee is so unfair!”

“We strive for fairness between all participants during this hard and difficult month,” the Board stated. “In order to assure an equal playing field, we must strip Mike Okhard from his title until he can try to not get his rocks off with no unfair advantages.”

Okhard, however, is not going down without a fight. “Get ready for a lawsuit,” he posted this morning on his Twitter. “If they think they can jerk me around like this, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll be busting into the courts with this case.”