Over Whitman’s four-day weekend, the biology department unearthed a curious discovery while investigating abnormal phenomena in the water systems of East Isaacs Avenue. The department claims there were traces of strange specimens squirming around the pipes of Whitman’s fraternities. 

“I sampled nine ounces from Sigma Chi, then left it isolated for the remainder of break,” the anonymous professor accused of causing the chaos said. “The immediate results were intriguing — unidentified organic matter developed that was not evident before, previously masked by the prevalent inorganic matter swimming around.”

Convinced this bottle of yuck could lead to brand-new discoveries, the department involved students by structuring a lab around the strange contaminants. 

“Following October break, we divided up Professor __’s original sample up for students to study,” the biology department said in its official statement. “The goal was to monitor the ecosystem that was brewing.”

According to the department, it was a great success: “Students were engaged, and we felt we were on the brink of something great.”

The lab continued to investigate this week when disaster struck. 

On Monday, a thirsty lab student sipped from the sample, figuring that after having ingested frat water before and survived, their immune system was indestructible. The department soon uncovered that within the sample, a dormant parasite had been developing ever since initial extraction. The parasite quickly took hold of the student’s nervous system. According to the official statement, “This parasite resembles Toxoplasma gondii, the parasite that inhibits a mouse’s fear of cats.” What does this mean for us? 

“The parasite convinces its victim to frequent fraternities and get others to accompany them so they become infected as well,” says the department. “One method of spreading the parasite is infected students sharing frat water with others and saying, ‘Yo bro, wanna hit this?’ Uninfected students usually ingest the liquid without question.”

The infected students – now 22 and counting – are locked in the science building basement, currently under constant surveillance by biology department staff.

Any students with the following symptoms should contact the biology department immediately:

1. Urges to party all Tuesday night long;
2. Contemplating switching current major(s) to Computer Science or Economics;
3. Undying loyalty for horrible people. 

Stay safe, everyone.