BPK’s Guide to Surviving Being a Third Wheel

Ben Kearney, Been Third Wheeling since I was Two Years Old

Alright all you lonely hearts club members, the time has come to put you in the spotlight. No, it’s not a ticket onto Love Island, wouldn’t we all love that. But as someone that has been stuck between couples since sophomore year of high school, I think I have the most credentials to give you tips on how to survive being a constant third wheel to friends, couples, and even your parents on Tuesday nights.

First off the bat, stay away from romantic tv shows. They’ll make you want to be in a relationship and the fact you aren’t will send you spiraling. Do you think I wanted to be destroyed by Netflix’s “Heartstopper?” No sir! What’s best is to focus on yourself and on being that self discovery diva you’ve always wanted to be.

Speaking of which, don’t complain about not being in a relationship. Deep down, no one cares you don’t have a man. If you’re lucky, men will throw themselves at you like they throw themselves down the Jewett stairwell on a Friday night. They ain’t subtle about it let me tell you.

Thirdly, don’t go on dating apps. Wanna be catfished by Karen from Milton Freewater? Didn’t think so. Dating apps may only give you one or two matches that you probably even work up the courage to text a simple hello to, and you’re screaming desperation if you buy Tinder Gold dude. Now Yik Yak… That’s a different story.

An important note I will say is, your time will come, eventually. I know we all would love to be in a relationship just like everyone would love for Bang Bang Chicken to return to Cleveland Commons. But patience is a virtue and trust assured you’ll find your soulmate. And if naturally waiting for it to happen ain’t your style, there’s always the Whitman Marriage Pact to look forward to next year. At the end of the day, third wheeling sucks, but you should enjoy having friends and include yourself with them. Besides, having friends that can buy you ice cream that you can eat while crying is always a bonus.