Last Tuesday, a cutting edge innovation was born in a Whitman College laboratory: a paint that will form into a crosswalk within seconds. A sophomore chemistry major is credited with the invention, designing a substance that is repelled by the asphalt in a striped pattern. The exact recipe is top secret, but a few notable ingredients include: Powerade from Cleve, a feather from the North Hall ducks and some of the Whitman provided hand sanitizer.

One excited Whittie said, “This is really perfect for when I’m running late to class. I’ve never really felt bad about crossing when I had no right to, but now I definitely won’t!” The special paint is dispensed through an eye dropper and arranges itself via magnetic signatures of the other paint molecules and the ground. The quick acting formula makes it easy for students on the go, which is every Whitman student.

Another student said, “It’s so perfect for a night out. I can quickly drop it across Isaacs at like 11, and I won’t have to worry about me or my drunk friends getting hit by a car, because we immediately have the right of way.”

After speaking with the inventor about the end use of the product she said, “People can use it however they want, I don’t really care, as long as the paint parts the cars like the Red Sea.”

In some ways, this creation is the answer to every Whitman student’s prayers. Most Whitties experience deep mental anguish when they have to use the crosswalk instead of dashing across the street. However some feel the miraculous substance actually thwarts their agenda. A junior Politics major said, “How am I supposed to get one of the board members to hit me with their beamer and pay off my degree if there’s paint that can protect me sold right at our bookstore?”.

That’s right folks, the brand new product will be available at Whitman College Bookstore, run by Barnes and Noble (:/). Due to local production, the Whitman Crosswalk is priced at just 70 cents per 16 fluid ounce bottle. Regardless of your plans, it should be affordable to all.