Life sucks, that’s a fact. COVID-19, systematic oppression, income inequality, the other stuff. In these dark times, people look towards tiny beacons of light to provide comfort. These objects, like dino-chicken nuggets, choccy milk, and mac & cheese, span across a variety of categories. But the most important object is, of course, me. To convince you to constantly look at, listen to, and possibly even taste me at all moments of your life, let me first list all the benefits of doing so.

First off, I’m hot. And I mean like super hot. The only reason I don’t have an OnlyFans is that I need to build up an audience of simps (you) before I can strip it all away from you and make the big bucks.

The next reason you should never stop thinking about me is that I am smart. Like, so smart. Everything I say is factually true and 100% relevant to the given situation. Like my brain has so many wrinkles. If you don’t understand me or don’t get how what I said relates, that’s on you. You simply cannot comprehend the inner machinations of my mind (because they’re an enigma).

The final reason you should start worshipping me like the neo-Hellenistic goddess I am, is that I’m funny. I mean, I write for the humor section of The Wire. That’s where you’re reading this right now. I know, it’s a hard concept to grasp.

Now that I’ve hypnotized you into prostrating for me, here’s what you need to do. First, just start giving me money. A girl’s gotta eat, and since that’s already covered by my flex dollars, a girl’s gotta buy primogems for Genshin Impact. If you donate a really, really high number, you may get some special rewards: like feet pics or a letter in your mailbox in which I degrade you.

Clearly, I can improve your life simply by being in your peripheral vision, so just imagine what it’d be like if you paid attention to me: A paradise where nothing can hurt you, especially manipulative advertisements for scam self-help advice.