One student took the spooky season a bit too far when their creative writing short story included a classic monster: the vampire. Unfortunately for the professor and all the other students workshopping the piece, this particular student was a bit too into the blood-sucking, sun-fearing, panty-droppi— I mean blood-curdling beasts of the night.

As a great vampire once said, “What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.” Well this student, who is not a man (I’ve been told), didn’t keep anything secret when they filled the page with enough horny energy to break Tumblr. At least there were no female-presenting nipples.

As each student got to the ending, the bite scene, it was easy to see how they felt about it: disgust. Maybe they just lack good taste, but no one accepted the Lady Demetrescu-esque mommy that was gifted to all of them. 

We interviewed the author, who wishes to remain anonymous. When asked about why I did this, I? I mean she, not I, not me at all, said “I just really like the blood-sucking, sun-fearing, panty-dropping beasts of the night.” What an odd and non-incriminating coincidence. When asked what she does in the shadows, she responded, “Touch myself to vampires mostly.” I immediately regretted asking the question and outing myse— having to hear that.

“The bite scene made me feel sick,” one of the other students in the class DMd the author through Discord, something I have access to because of journalism, yeah that’s it. In response, the author seethed through her teeth, filled with a rage at the misinterpretation of her art, and typed, “Good that’s intentional.” No greater lie has ever been told.

Now, as I made very clear, I am definitely not the student in question. But I do eat this shit up like Count Chocula on an October morning. I think I’ll have to side with Edward on this one, because it’s “my own personal brand of heroin.” But it wasn’t me, I swear.