After weeks of deliberation, Whitman has decided on decapitating the missionaries and turning the Blues’ frown upside down in favor of a fresh, new and drippy mascot to increase enrollment for the class of 2026. With a vote of 69-1, the Mascot Approval Board voted yes to a Possum becoming Whitman’s new mascot.

Perry, infamous terror of the Walla Walla County Animal Department, has been quite the popular sight on campus the past few weeks. He was first found menacing first-years outside of Jewett Hall. As if the laundry room wasn’t bad enough. Being the Virgo king he is, Perry has been cheating death, hissing at students and generally being iconic. 

Admittedly, the Mascot Board was apprehensive that a beast from the east of campus deserved to be the new mascot. But when Perry’s wife Terry started campaigning for him outside Lyman House, they knew they were playing with fire. 

The possum campaign faced only one opponent: Sandra N. Squirrel of the Squirrel Dynasty. The Squirrel Family have been long serving members on Whitman’s Arbor Board, but have faced criticism over the last hundred years for dropping nuts on students. Talk about low hanging fruit. 

It was a close race, with the squirrel blackmailing—I mean generously ceasing the nut dropping on Douglas Hall and across campus for the rest of autumn. But it was overshadowed by a shocking blow to the Possum Family when Perry was tragically assassinated in a bush by Juli Dunn herself. And on Squirrel Row of all places? Real nutty of you Juli.

With the memorial set for National Possum Day next Sunday, the Board thought it best to commemorate Perry as the wonderful, disgusting mascot we all grew to love in our hearts. Unfortunately, Terry has turned down all interviews since her husband’s death and has been on a rampage across campus since last Tuesday. Terry has sent kids to the hospital and has completely obliterated Jewett Cafe. Not the scones! She was extracted from campus and moved to Walla Walla University to live out the remainder of her days in peace.