You want to join a Dungeons & Dragons game but no one wants you. Well, you’ve never asked anyone to join, but no one’s approached you which 100% means no one wants you. So you do what everyone fears and become a Dungeon Master (DM). Here’s what to do if you don’t want a repeat of high school (you know what you did).

1. Scream about it.

Screaming isn’t talking. Rev up those bagpipes we call lungs and screech like a banshee. You’re sure to attract a party of wayward nerds in the form of freshmen. 

2. Use Tinder. 

Set your bio to “looking to DM” and swipe on everyone. You’ll disappoint a couple masochists but hey, maybe they’ll play a Warlock.

3. Burst into a frat house. 

Kick down the door, roll a handful of dice onto the floor, and their frat code will compel them to play. Failing to do so would tarnish their honor so you got yourself a party of Barbarians. Unfortunately this trick does not work with sororities as they don’t believe in fun.

4. Ask around on Discord. 

Give up on Tinder, no one swiped on you anyway. That’s because Discord is actually the dating app for tiny nerd children like you. Everyone you convince to join will be min-maxers that make every challenge you offer moot and rip your hard work and worldbuilding into thousands of shreds, but that’s better than not playing, right?

5. Just talk to people about it. 

Now I hear what you’re saying, “Sammy, you’re so smart and hot, how could you forget the whole purpose of this article was to avoid talking to people?” First off, don’t question me; I’m way cooler than you. Second, that sounds like a you problem. The only way to get a game is to talk. Your friends, section-mates, that goblin who lives in the toilet in the Jewett bathroom, they’re all future players.

If you try these steps and don’t have a party by the end, maybe you should take a look at yourself. Or a whiff. Like seriously, shower more.