One first year, who wished to remain unnamed because it’s none of your fucking business, has reported spending half of the semester on various toilets around campus. 

Lactose intolerance occurs when the small intestine fails to produce the enzyme lactase, which is very bad news according to the Dairy Industrial Complex. Symptoms include bloating, diarrhea, mad gas and stomach cramps. It is extremely painful, or so I’ve heard. I really would have no idea, none at all, cause I’m not lactose intolerant.

While her lactose intolerance has not been formally diagnosed apparently, the student can confirm based on her hours logged on the toilet that this is definitely what’s happening.

She said, “It’s really impacting my life negatively, and I should stop consuming dairy products, but I just can’t. Chocolate milk is too delicious to not drink every single day, even though it makes me feel terrible and blow chunks out of my booty. Dairy is also unavoidable at Cleve because it’s the only thing that makes the food taste okay. The sandwiches are tolerable only if they have cheese on them. I almost missed registering for classes because I was on the toilet. I spent 30 minutes in the bathrooms at Reid while I was taking a midterm, and my grade dropped a whole letter afterwards because I was in there for so long. 

“Plus, my social life is suffering. I keep being late to places because I’m in the bathroom for 15 to 30 minutes every time. It’s not too bad though because of how isolated we’ve had to be because of COVID. So, I can really get some quality time on the pot.”

Miss Lactose Intolerant said further, “Honestly, I’ve spent so much time in the bathrooms here that I feel a really deep connection to them now. They’re really nice and some of my favorite places to be.”