The number of weeks left in the spring semester is now in the single digits, and flex accounts have begun to deplete into single digits as well. Frequent reports have been made about meal-plan students crouching outside Cleveland’s front doors, holding out signs with “EVERY FLEX PENNY HELPS” scrawled on with Sharpie.

In response to this financial crisis, Whitman students have turned to illegal dollar-dealing. An underground flex trade ring is currently running, which links flex-wealthy students with the impoverished. The process involves exchanging Cleveland coin for various services, including writing papers for another student, cleaning another student’s dorm and other common labor tasks. 

Upperclassmen have been caught bribing prospective and admitted students on tours out of their free meal tickets. One source describes a senior promising a “sweet room in Lyman” in exchange for the ticket. Another account claims that an unidentified student bombarded a prospie with threats of “know[ing] a guy” on Whitman’s admissions board who denies any applicant who doesn’t demonstrate inclusive and community-oriented character by coughing up their meal vouchers.

Other students have resorted to seedier transactions to ensure their weekly Saturday night teriyaki chicken bowls. First year Rachel Husband tells the Wire that she “would prostitute [herself] for flex.” Sam Huston claims he would “flex if [he] were a prostitute.” (For business inquiries, please contact Mr. Huston at 1-800-FLX-IBLE.)

Apparently this willingness to perform sordid services is not uncommon throughout campus. Yet another Whitman student, Conor Bartol, states, “I would do any job, no matter how criminal or morally dubious, if… paid in flex.” 

Presently, there are no reports on the steps that our president plans to take to address the greatest financial crisis since 1929. For the time being, you can donate to the nonprofit Fund-a-Flex, an organization aiding underclassmen in need.