We’ve got enough sidewalks. I’m sick of simply strolling to my philosophy class; I want to activate my lats by swinging to Olin like the dominant male gorilla king that I am. How else am I supposed to squeeze in my upper body workouts between classes? It feels like Whitman is actively trying to sabotage my gains. Which is why we need:

Monkey bars.

Enough teriyaki chicken bowls and protein smoothies — they’re just not enough. Why not have a bottle of Anavar or Anadrol at the Grab-n-Go tables at Cleveland or even Jewett? A far worthier flex dollar investment than some Stumptown brew. Another possibility to aid students’ health goals would be having injections available at the health center (and we’re not talking about vaccines). Students could set appointments to get stabbed and stacked. At the very least, we can at least introduce a Cleveland station dedicated solely to pre-workout dry scoops. That abandoned breakfast bar could finally be put to good use again. In short:

Steroids.

If I told you to imagine the ideal classroom space, I guarantee that the first furniture item to come to your mind would be treadmill desks. Forget standing desks; getting the blood pumping through our brains will have us pumping out genius academic thoughts, interpretations and opinions like a goddamn factory. For those with disabilities preventing them from being able to walk, having treadmill desks wide enough to accommodate wheelchair users so they could get some sick arm exercise into their day would benefit the whole community and really put Whitman on the map in terms of equity and inclusion. 

So let’s get our steps in.