This is not a humor piece. Everything in this article is completely factual and really happened. Not only is this account true, but conscious concert-goers everywhere must be informed about the unethicality of ticket consumption.

For years, Ticketmaster, the ticket distributor for every single Maroon 5 concert, has been locked in a legal battle with Songkick, a small competitor who eventually was bought out by Ticketmaster. 

The source of this lawsuit? A single individual. A former Songkick employee stole access codes and distributed them to Ticketmaster employees. An executive of Ticketmaster reportedly claimed they were trying to steal back a key client from Songkick by forcing the company out of business.

Ticketmaster was busted by the Boston Feds, and after extensive litigation, agreed to pay a $10 million fine. 

So why were they trying to steal information from Songkick? Who was SO important to be worth $10 million and a federal lawsuit? While there are several possibilities as to whom this client was, in my mind there is only one possible option: Ed Sheeran. 

The beady-eyed singer-songwriter was touring in late 2017, and I, a loyal Ed Head, was trying to get tickets to see him touring. It was his “Divide” album, and it was packed with hits like “Castle on the Hill,” “Severely Out of My League,” “Shape of You” and “Happier.” Truly the pinnacle of his career, “Divide” was what I most wanted to see ginger Post Malone perform, but I couldn’t find any tickets anywhere because shrimpy Songkick was fighting for its life against Ticketmaster. 

After discovering this truly horrendous scandal, I’ve decided to kill my love for Ed Sheeran. I can not, in good ethical conscience, purchase tickets from an organization that would use its immense power to harm local business.

I need to use my platform here to speak out on this issue. As much as I love Ed and his greasy, uncombed hair, I would be an awful person if I supported him. We must, as a Whitman community, boycott Ticketmaster and Ed Sheeran. No one can buy Ed Sheeran tickets ever again. #boycottTicketmaster #cancelEdSheeran