Canvas has been a part of technology at Whitman for some time now, but with the recent overwhelming necessity for online courses and submission methods, interaction with Canvas has increased exponentially. Despite Canvas being universally utilized by Whitman this past year, one sophomore, pseudonymized “Mike” for security reasons (i.e., to allow his bamboozlement to persist), miraculously maintains an allusion of innocent ignorance, successfully convincing professors of his incapability to understand and operate the site—all in an effort to evade academic responsibilities. 

“I’ll send an email, like, ‘Hello, Professor, I tried to submit my essay but I can’t find the assignment listed,'” Mike confides in us. “Or, ‘I can’t find the button that says ‘Submit.’ Works really well as a last minute excuse on weekends when the assignment is due at like, midnight Saturday, because you’ll get a bunch of extra time before the professor actually reads your email.”

How long has this charade been able to continue? “When they get suspicious, I’ll switch it up. ‘Canvas crashed,’ or ‘Canvas won’t let me log in’ or something. When I really need to ease the blame off Canvas for a bit, I’ll send an email freaking out because Word corrupted my essay. For Zoom, suddenly Whitman’s wi-fi really sucks. I’ve learned how to speak total roboto style and move really jerkily.”

The Wire spoke with Mike’s roommate, a BBMB and chemistry double-major and double-minor in Chinese and psychology. “The worst part?” he divulges. “He’s an Econ major. You just sit and talk like Mr. Krabs for three pages and you’re good. Yet, not once in the last year has he turned anything in on time. He’s never faced any repercussions. No idea how he gets A’s pretending to be this stupid.”

The Wire thanks Mike for entrusting us with such classified information regarding his special skills. He expresses his wish that all Whitman students learn from his wisdom and “get them degrees.”

“Listen,” he shrugs, “college is for developing book smarts and street smarts. I just choose to focus on the latter.”