New BuzzFeed quiz about ‘Your Dream Job’ is shockingly accurate

Kiara Paninos, Second Tier Bank Robber

BuzzFeed has released yet another truth-telling quiz, but this time it’s not just some trivial questionnaire about which Disney Princess you are. No, this is the big leagues. 

This is Your Dream Job™

The quiz consists of 20 questions in standard BuzzFeed format: seemingly irrelevant questions with multiple options for answers. It was created during the sh*tstorm of 2020 to help people gain hope and pursue their dreams, and that is exactly what is happening. Across the nation, thousands of people are quitting their old jobs to pursue whatever new and exciting career BuzzFeed suggests for them in the hopes that they will finally feel happiness again.

Dr. Teerzuv Joy shares his New Dream Job experience with The Wire, saying that when BuzzFeed suggested he be a Fake Mourner, he felt like a new man. “I just love to cry. I’m so good at it! I always hated being a surgeon anyways. They never let me express myself in the operating room. I had to be so stoic there, yuck. But now I get paid to cry at strangers’ funerals! It’s amazing! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this on my own.” 

Illustration by Allyson Kim.

So far, nobody has reported their disagreement with BuzzFeed’s assessment of their ideal career path. Even though BuzzFeed is a very reputable source with high journalistic integrity, their success stories are still impressive considering that many of the suggested professions are vague and/or bizarre. Airport Scarecrow, Bear Biologist/Paper Folder and Space Travel Agent are just a few examples. “I used to be a mail carrier, but now I’m a Crayon Evangelist! I don’t even know what that means, but it beats delivering people’s junkmail all day” says Mark Ursuck. 

Weeee E. Eeeee, Washington’s newest Water Slide Tester (formerly an electrician) wisely says, “Work sucks, everybody knows that! But ya gotta work to live because THAT’S CAPITALISM, BABY! So ya might as well do something that at least resembles fun.” As more and more people come to this same realization after seeing their BuzzFeed Dream Job results, nobody wants to pursue “standard careers” anymore. Nurses, retail workers and diplomats are all quitting to become Ice Rink Hand-Holders, Hairapists and Patron Saints of Procrastination. What does this mean for the ‘prosperity’ of the country? Guess we’ll find out.