Everyone certainly feels sorry for the bright-eyed first years, fresh out of high school and sans graduation celebrations and senior proms. The class of 2020, going on 2024, has had it rough to be sure, but ugh, haven’t we all? At this point, it would be irresponsible not to set the record straight. 

Those of us who have dedicated some time to living in res halls and physically showing up to classes certainly miss parts of campus as we knew it and, to be real, are not complaining about logging onto our morning courses from bed, in our undies. There is a disgusting ease and comfort to moving classes online. You may say we sound unappreciative, and you would be correct. We are also jaded, and we see right through this radical push to bring us back to campus. 

We all rolled our eyes at the college’s big creative effort to provide learning pods, which in my mind is an effort to bend over backwards to maintain your allegiance and distant affections. What about us? A rumor is even going around that first years kidnapped Kathy Murray to force the in-person spring — how desperate. But it must have worked because, oh, now we are on campus next semester? Who is that for? We all know it’s for you, ‘24. 

Professors do not want to teach you in classrooms full of your cooties. The rest of us are used to complaining about the three to six-minute walk from our houses to our 9 am’s. Some have also heard that an infestation of bedbugs on campus may keep us at home. I simply wouldn’t be surprised if a frazzled senior planted the critters to prevent further chaos and to just. Keep. Campus. Closed. 

We understand, first years, that you are dying to be on campus in the spring, and usually returning students are pumped to see you too. You never fail to provide consistent entertainment, as we voyeuristically watch you stumble naively through the maiden voyage of your college experience. Just yesterday it seems, yet so long ago, that was us too. 

But this time it just won’t be the same. We are all anticipatorily cringing at the clashing vibes that will fill campus this spring. Overly eager first years meet sorely tuckered-out returners. Usually, the fresh energy and excitement of first years is what makes their presence special, but this year, we don’t want to entertain it. Sorry to burst your socially-distant bubbles.