Expert declares that times are officially ‘precedented’

Kiara Paninos, knower of things

Almost eight months into the pandemic and people are still starting their emails, commercials and public addresses with, “during these unprecedented times.” Catastrophe expert, Sinn Ical, is not here for it. “‘Unprecedented’ refers to something that was never known or done before, but we are all familiar with the current times by now,” Ical said in a somewhat demoralizing interview with The Wire.

Ical further explained that for months nobody has known what to do; so, the continuing waves of confusion and struggle are pretty much the new normal. In light of this assessment, Ical has declared the chaotic times of 2020 from here on out to be “totally precedented.”

Illustration by Hayden Cooper.

Ical is not the only expert with this opinion. According to professional defeatists across the world, faking shocked expressions upon hearing awful news will just keep getting harder and harder as the year continues to be full of weird and terrible things.

At this point something truly unprecedented would sound like, “I wasn’t tired at all today,” or “Stranger Things season four is being released in time for Halloween!” Statements like that would be truly shocking. 

Living in denial won’t help anybody. Ical explained that it is unhealthy to try and pretend like everything will be better in just a couple of weeks. In order to do the best with what we have, we must be realistic about the situation. Acknowledging that the phrase “when COVID-19 is over” has the same energy as “when I win the lottery” or “when Whitman actually divests from fossil fuels” is the first step.