I know that I should have looked it up a long time ago, but now I think it might be too late. The acceptable duration of living in ignorance has passed. “Quid pro quo” is all I think about. I turn red when people say it, terrified they’re hoping to discuss the impeachment in detail. “So fucked up,” I say, and change the subject. It’s too risky to get into it. I have a recurring nightmare where my professor brings up The New York Times Morning Briefing and I nod along like I don’t just archive it as soon as it arrives, and he calls me out and asks me to “speak to that point they made about the impeachment this morning.” Just as I’m about to poop my pants, I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, sleep paralysis in full effect. A ghost in the corner is moaning “quid pro quo” over and over again. 

I consider myself to be a smart person. I know about the climate change thing. I read Kathy Murray’s emails. I don’t use single-use water bottles. I have listened to a podcast before. I’m doing my best. I just think the window of opportunity has closed here. I could have looked it up over the summer. I should have looked it up during the Mueller investigation!! I know!!! I know all of that!!! I just do not know what quid pro quo means.