“A nicotine addiction is expected,” grumbled John Patricks, the father of Simon Patricks, speaking about his twenty-year-old full grown man baby who recently returned home from college.

“Ever since Joey came home his days consist of eating two bagels in the morning, returning to his room to watch eight to ten hours of ‘Games of Thrones,’ and then coming down for family dinner practically emasculated — in both senses,” said John when asked about Simon’s daily routine. John previously reported that Simon was a vibrant, youthful character who definitely knew how to cook an egg, do his laundry and bathe his actual human body — however, after coming back from that “cracked-up, liberal arts school” he has been unable to care for any of his basic hygienic needs. According to an inside source, Simon is apparently trying to commit a crime against humanity in attempting to finish all seven seasons in a record three weeks before the Season 8 finale. When interviewing the mother her complexion appeared pale, and waif-like. She is obviously extremely concerned about her only son’s mental and physical health. “I feel scared and unsettled. I have only seen my beautiful Simon baby four times since he came home from college. Two of those times were when he came down to the kitchen to grab a box of Cheese-itz and a jug of applesauce. What a horrible snack combination, I literally do not know how he is surviving.”

For another update regarding your favorite man-baby, Simon Patrick, check back next week.