Student awarded internship grant, will spend summer being burned alive

CJ Fritz, Sk8r Boi

Whitman student Donna Milton excitedly announced to her friends yesterday that she has been awarded the highly coveted Whitman Internship Grant for the summer of 2019.

The internship grant, intended to allow students to pursue unpaid internship positions while still making money, will fund Milton’s summer experience right here in Walla Walla. While not technically working for Whitman, Milton will be an intern for the company which supplies Whitman with energy.

The company, called Crispy Corpse Energy LLC, hires four unpaid interns each summer to ensure that the air conditioning and electricity run seamlessly throughout the summer.

Milton is ecstatic to have secured such a coveted internship. When asked about her role with the company, Milton said that “Mainly I will be burned alive in a massive furnace. But there will also be some administrative work, and if I perform well I could run their social media pages.”

“We are so proud of our little Don-Don,” said Milton’s parents Greggg and Danny Boy. “Last summer she just made honest money working at a coffee shop where she enjoyed herself. No more of that. Now she can put something valuable on her resume and get burnt to a crisp in the process.”

Milton says that she chose to work for Crispy Corpse “because they aren’t like other energy companies who require that only virgins can be incinerated. With Crispy Corpse I can die a painful death and own my sexuality.”

Without interns like Milton, Whitman’s summer fly-ins would suffer through dark days and warm nights. Thanks to Milton’s soon-to-be charred corpse, no one will have to suffer such a tragedy.

In preparation for her exciting internship, Milton plans to organize her last will and testament. Milton plans to donate her $3,000 grant back to Whitman so that other promising young people can have the chance to die a fiery death.