During the past 2018-2019 academic year, our small liberal arts school was confronted with many a scandal and responded in the usual fashion of addressing issues at surface level and then waiting an appropriate amount of time to forget about them completely. There were no druggings (as far as we know) this year, so let’s all give the administration a pat on the back for doing effectively nothing and having that coincidentally work in their favor. After ASWC was *shockingly* exposed for institutional racism last Fall, they are still in the process of restructuring, and with luck, we’ll find out what the fuck that even means by next school year. On a lighter note, Whitman finally divested from fossil fuels, so thankfully we can all pack up and go home now since we just solved climate change. Will faculty triumph over the Board of Trustees and abolish greek life as we know it? Stay tuned. I think we also probably won some D3 sport awards. And on a closing note, is Cleveland still leaking or should we not worry about it anymore because it stopped raining? That’s all for now; without further adieu, I humbly sign off from my post at the Harvard of Eastern Washington.