After the third corpse of a senior Whitman student was brought into the Health Center last week, Health Center Director Clothestha Wound declared a state of emergency for campus.  According to Wound, seniors who walked by the lawn were so startled by the concentration of underclass students that they fell ill almost immediately, resulting in a petrified state and — ultimately — their deaths.

“It seems like the seniors are not prepared for the sudden switch in power dynamic.  I think they’re used to the sophomores looking them in the eye, so when such a large group of sunbathing sophomores surprise them like that, their already fragile immune system just gives out,” said Wound.

Seniors have pleaded with the administration to disperse groups of sophomores larger than three, but to no avail.  Without the help of the administration, the seniors have resorted to walking around campus with handheld mirrors, looking into the reflections of everyone’s eyes in fear that a sophomore tries to make eye contact.

The Campus Sustainability and Anti-Soap League has issued a statement, saying that “the use of handheld mirrors is a shameful way to solve this problem.  Glass is not a sustainable resource, and we should be looking at our reflections only in water or crudely drawn pictures.”

“I truly don’t care about the method to prevent these deaths.  I would rather that our seniors be safe while they go buy their $65 kale-urine smoothies.  I highly suggest that all seniors avoid the public parts of campus for their last four weeks here.  Better to make it to graduation than not,” said Wound.

From the Selectively Honest Student Safety Watch Bureau of The Wire, we urge your due diligence and attention to detail to skyrocket during these challenging times.